pinch me

Someone may or may not have noticed I haven't had much to say lately. I've been struggling with the blues and allergies too (I hereby rechristen Tokyo land of the blooming plants); so my emotional low is physically complemented by the feeling that I've got stones for arms and legs and that I could fall asleep at any moment and not wake up for weeks.

But while my down mood has a few roots, none are culture shock or homesickness (though I do miss my people). The main factor is the "damn, that was my dream job" dejection. It's harder I think, to be in the race and then lose in the last stretch than it is to not ever get an acknowledgement of your application. I try and remind myself that the competition in Tokyo (population 35 million souls) is fangs-sharpened fierce, even for English-only positions. This particularly interesting job, which I interviewed for a few weeks ago, got 500 applications.

But the real kick in my gut was learning that I did poorly on one of the four tests, hence my rejection. It seems I shouldn't have left that shortest test for last (apparently I got sloppy as time ticked on) because it was the piece they were obviously most interested in.

Not that I have any urge to complain, since I am totally conscious of how f-ing lucky I am. I'm just here, quietly licking my wounds and trying to listen to Aran, who's always keen to pump me up. He's the one who convinced me to not take just any job (I was offered a project management post at a design firm a couple of months ago and just this weekend decided not to apply for one particular contract at the embassy) but to hold out for "the one".

So, though it's human nature to worry and regret, I guess I've just got to try to appreciate the luxury of dreaming again.